Dear Cornwall

We are in receipt of your request for government funding to make up the shortfall resulting from the loss of EU monies.

As you know, when you voted to leave the EU, you very generously also signed up for the package whereby the government diverted all the money that it formerly paid in EU membership fees to the NHS. Since your former EU grant money came from this membership fee, by way of being returned by the EU, it now goes to the NHS, where it will do lot of good training new nurses to replace the ones we lost when we halted all immigration and kicked out the foreigners.

If the government were to replace your former EU grant, then that money would have to come from somewhere else, most likely as a reduction in welfare for poor people. Unless we were to raise the upper levels of taxation — which, as I’m sure you will agree, is a ludicrous idea — then there is nothing we can do to help.

Of course, if you hadn’t voted to leave, you wouldn’t be in this situation.

Regards, etc.